A sad anniversary....

To post or not to post? To write about this means to open up vulnerabilities, to not post...well, that does not feel right either. So, I write unsure if I will actually hit publish or keep as a draft. Today marks the one year anniversary of one of our saddest days. It was a year ago today that we miscarried. It is not a date that I made a conscious decision to remember; it just happens to be the day before my sister's birthday. I would probably remember anyways....

I've shared every detail of the experience with my 3 dearest friends...that should not be rehashed here and now. Statistically, it is a very common thing to happen but until it happens to you; I think it is impossible to understand. Knowing that it happens to so many others does not make it any easier either in my opinion. It is such a strange grief to experience. One that I do not think you can fairly compare to a death of a child, but a loss nonetheless.

It is...
a loss of a hope.
a failure.
painful...emotionally and physically.
a confusing time.
a time when you can still have morning sickness even though there is no longer a heartbeat.


It is also....
a chance to realize what gifts we are given in this life.
an opportunity to appreciate more.
a realization that children are the most precious of gifts.
an opportunity to love deeper.

What I learned from this experience is plentiful, though I wish the lessons could have come from another method. But today, one year later, what a different place I find myself in as compared to just one short year ago. Though I never will forget (and wonder about the 'what if's') I have moved on. I sit today with with a beautiful baby girl kicking away inside my tummy. Asked if I thought that was possible one year ago, my answer would have been bitter.

Someday I hope to put my own experience and counseling skills together to help others. For in this time of hurt & pain, few know what to say.

So today rather than go back to that sad place I will:

* go eat cheese enchiladas @ my favorite Mexican restaurant with the two best looking boys around.
* Feel blessed that I did not go to sleep until 2am due to heartburn, backaches and general uncomfortableness b/c I am so much more grateful to be in this condition than the condition I was in a year ago today.
* I will continue to do everything over-the-top for this pregnancy & baby.
* I'll meet Nat in the morning and walk into a store I vowed not to return, to hit a maternity/nursery sale.
* I will look forward to our baby shower & maternity pictures. I am so excited to celebrate this baby!

**It's raining as I type this, it has not rained in forever and just a few minutes ago when I began this post the sun was shinning. We need the rain so badly and I needed that sign.*** I'm going to hit publish!